Thursday, July 3, 2014

My old Life... Moving Forward


    It has taken me years to get to this point to share my past with those i know and love. The reason it has been so hard is it involves some of them, it is not glamorous, it is not a 'typical' story. Satan has always told me it is so different that i shouldn't share it, i shouldn't open up, but really that is the only way to get free! I praise God for the freedom that he has brought to me and the peace in my once very troubled heart.
  It all started out as a twelve year old in a broken home... i being that twelve year old was trying to find myself and who i was. i was clinging to every strand of love i could find, i clung to a breath of hope then it would crash and burn to only make me more hardened to the truth. It is hard for a twelve year old to go through a breaking home, then to not get the needed love from the one parent he is with is even more catastrophic to him. So i turned to the wrong kinds of love. The kind that many people in the United States now embrace and call normal. A twisted, warped, kind of love that Satan tells you is how you were born, you were made this way. The media now tells us you are normal this way, you are born this way, you are just showing your true colors. Well that is all lies from the father of lies, he fills your heart and life with situations that promote this lifestyle. You don't even realize what is taking over your life when you are this age, you are going through puberty to start with so you don't need to be confused if you are going to be straight or if you have a SSA and where that will lead you. 
   One burden i have from this is all the kids still being brought into this world with no man figure in there life and the woman figure, are they abusive? This is the destroying element in this world. Why are there so many embracing alternate lifestyles? Broken homes and abusive parents. So you say I'm not abusive to my kids, but do you ever disappear for hours maybe a few days? Do you snap and just storm off and leave your kid crying or alone to tend to his own fears and struggles? I call that just as abusive, maybe not in a physical way but it hurts their mind, slowly turning it to the heart of their male friends instead of their parents. This damages there love for women and causes much pain in their future and what they will pursue for a companion. Once this has happened there is no way to ever get rid of it, from now on it is within them. It is as Paul says a thorn in the flesh, you ask God to remove it and He may take it away but for many people it always is in there body waiting to arise and so you need to lean fully on God to keep you pure and holy before Him. You need to be so taken over by Gods spirit and love that it has no opportunity to arise.
   So continuing on in my story, i struggled with this affliction. I knew i was weird and different so i tried to hide it, and act normal. I longed to be normal, have a normal home and have right desires.  Around this time i moved 14 hours from home to start over. Much to my dismay the thorn came along with me. i started over church-wise and work-wise but i couldn't redo my past. It clung to my life as a scar that kept getting opened. My life was in turmoil and my heart was cold. I tried to act like a christian but that didn't work. It became obvious and i entered a mentoring program that i didn't want... during this time i had started at a fine custom kitchen company and worked myself to head builder. I prided myself on producing as many kitchens a week as i could, but all in vain. I was filling a void. I really needed to turn to God. I struggled with the builders under me trying to get them to work faster with no understanding of, if this was the right position for them or should they be moved. My theory was anyone can do anything if you want, which i now know is nearly impossible.
   For many years i had wanted to be a nurse and a chef yet also. So i signed up for Hillcrest. It was after that i came in contact with a man that touched my heart for good more then any other person in my life. Instead of telling me where i was wrong and failing, he helped me see that yes i did have a problem, a wound that i would always have a scar from. He showed me that i was worth something as a person even tho i had a scar in my past. I now knew that there were other people in Christian churches who had this scar on their lives and that there was help! I wasn't alone in this. I had prayer warriors and brothers in Christ praying me on to a new life is Him. A life that is full of Him and Spirit-filled and living. A life i want to share because i just cant keep it in. God moved mightily in this time before i moved to Hillcrest. He showed me His way and How to overcome. It is a growing process that continues to get better. I thank God for His victory He has given me over my scar. I thank my friend for taking his time to encourage me and help me over the deciding factors and see the true Light . I cant be more grateful for all these wonderful people have done in my life i owe so much to them! 
  Life continues and gets better. I am finding who i am in God and what He wants from me. It looks like my dream of being a nurse is coming true and i feel so blessed and unworthy.